Tuuli Muistna breaks decade-long family silence over brother’s suicide

Tuuli Muistna told ERR’s Ringvaade that her family was unable to speak about her brother’s suicide for 10 years, and that she wants her initiative Oled oluline to offer strength and hope to people facing difficult times.

Muistna said she has experienced depression but has never had suicidal thoughts herself. Her adult brother died by suicide 18 years ago, when she was 13.

“I cannot say why my brother did it,” Muistna said. She clearly remembers waking up one morning to find her mother absent. When she went outside, she saw her mother speaking with her brother’s father. Both had been crying, and Muistna immediately understood that something was seriously wrong. She returned to school soon afterwards.

“It affected me very deeply,” she said. “I tried to manage with my schoolwork at the time.” Muistna said it took years before she was ready to discuss the subject publicly.

She described the first 15 years as an emotional roller coaster, with periods when she missed her brother intensely and others when she felt strong inner anger towards him and wondered how he had found the courage and right to take his own life. She said she has now made peace with the fact that it was his decision.

Muistna created a shirt bearing the words “You are important because your life matters!” and plans to run a marathon wearing it to draw attention to suicide. Through Oled oluline, she wants to highlight what she described as the high number of suicides in Estonia and to offer strength and hope to those struggling.

Muistna said her last meeting with her brother ended with her being offended by him. That experience taught her never to part from someone after an argument, because no one knows what the next moment may bring.

She said the silence in her family ended when she overcame the stigma surrounding suicide. She had been ashamed to talk about it and believes many relatives feel the same, although they should not. At the same time, she feared hurting her mother, grandmother, uncle and other relatives by reopening the subject.

People in Estonia can call the Children’s Helpline at 116 111, the Victim Support helpline at 116 006, the Emotional Support and Pastoral Care line at 116 123, or the Eluliin crisis line at 6558 088. Emergency assistance is available by calling 112.